Helena’s Husband-Philip Moeller

ADITIONAL ENGLISH THIRD SEMESTER

THE ACADEMIC YEAR 2018-2019

UNIT -1 Play

1 Helena’s Husband-Philip Moeller

Philip Moeller Introduction

Philip Moeller born on 26 August 1880 and died on 26 April 1958. He was an American stage producer and director, playwright and screenwriter, born in New York where he helped found the short-lived Washington Square Players and then with Lawrence Langner and Helen Westley founded the Theatre Guild.

 

HELENA’S HUSBAND CHARACTERS

HELENA, Queen of Sparta

TSUMU, her slave

MENELAUS, the King

ANALYTIKOS, the King's librarian

PARIS, a shepherd

 

Helena’s Husband Theme

VANITY FAIR deems itself fortunate in having persuaded Air. Moeller —somewhat against his better inclinations—to permit its publication here. A simple sense of justice prompts us to explain that a lack of editorial space has made it necessary considerably to cut and condense the little comedy. The dramatic rights are reserved by the Washington Square Players, who are producing the play in its complete form.

 

Helena’s Husband Summary

THE most successful of the plays thus far produced by the Washington Square Players—whose second season began in October at the Bandbox Theatre—has undoubtedly been "Helena's Husband," a one act comedy by Philip Moeller.

 

Philip Moeller’s Play, ‘Helena’s Husband’ is a hilarious presentation of the primary cause behind the Trojan War. Helena, the wife of the Spartan King, Menelaus, eloped with Paris, the prince of Troy. This incident of elopement infuriated Menelaus and his brother Agamemnon declared war against Troy with the help of allied forces of Grecian kingdoms. A host of Greek warriors battled against Troy to reclaim Helena. After ten years of bloodshed and siege, the Greeks finally penetrated the invincible fortress of Troy and burned it down.

 

This hilarious comic play, ‘Helena’s Husband’ discusses the reasons behind the elopement of Helena with Paris. Menelaus is so fed up with his wife, Helena and her stupidity though she is astonishingly beautiful woman in the entire Spartan Kingdom and he desires to get rid off her, but he lacks the will to do it. Right on the cue, there enters a young man who introduces himself as Paris, a shepherd living in the hills. He announces that he dreams to have a glimpse of Helena and desires to possess her. Menelaus delighted with Paris’s intention and arranges the meeting of Helena and Paris. Helena has fallen in love with Paris by his good looks and charming conversations. Both Paris and Helena elope to Troy with the help of the Menelaus, the husband of Helena.

 

Menelaus has only a few minutes of ecstasy and happiness believing that his wife has run away with the shepherd. His ecstasy and happiness fade away when he has come to know the truth that Paris is not a shepherd but Prince of Troy. Though, Menelaus is not happy with the disloyalty and betrayal of his wife, he refuses to declare war on Troy by giving all sorts of excuses.   But, the play ends with Analytiko’s (The King’s Librarian) addressing the Spartans and declaring war on Troy ignoring Menelaus’s protests.

 

HELENA’S HUSBAND PLAY

THE CHARACTERS

HELENA, the Queen.

TSUMU, a black woman, slave to Helena. (Sumu)

MENELAUS, the King. (Menalase)

ANALYTIKOS, the King's librarian. (Analytikas)

PARIS, a shepherd.

 

HELENA’S HUSBAND PLAY

HELENA—(taking up a mirror) Tsumu, that touch of deep carmine right here in the center of my lips was quite an idea.

TSUMU (busily massaging the queen) An inspiration of the Gods!

HELENA—The Gods had nothing to do with it. I copied it from a low woman I saw at the circus. I can't understand how these bad women have such good ideas. {Dreamily) I wish, I wish—

Tsumu—I am your slave, but may I not know your wish?

HELENA—(very simply) Well, I should like to have a lover.

TSUMU—May the Gods grant that no one should hear you.

HELENA—Don't be alarmed, Tsumu. Analytikos, in the library there, is over eighty.

(She hursts into a loud peal of laughter—after which Menelaus rushes into the room.)

MENELAUS—{in high irritation) A king might at least expect quiet in his own palace. I wish you wouldn't make so much noise in here.

HELENA—Tsumu, see if my bath is ready. (Tsumu exits) You used not speak like that to me, Moo Moo.

MENELAUS—(in a temper) How many times must I tell you that my name is Menelaus and not "Moo Moo"?

HELENA—(sweetly) I'll never do it again, Moo Moo. (She giggles)

MENELAUS—Your laugh gets on my nerves. It's louder than it used to be.

HELENA—(speaking very quickly and tragically) Don't treat me cruelly, Moo Moo. You don't understand me. No man can ever really understand a woman. There are terrible depths to my nature. I had a long talk with Aesculapius only last week. He told me I'm too introspective. It's the curse of us emotional women. I'm really quite worried, but much you care, much you care. (She can contain the tears no longer.) Because I have neglected my beauty and because I am old and ugly you regret that Ulysses or Agamemnon didn't marry me when you all wanted me, and I know you curse the day you ever saw me. (She is breathless)

MENELAUS—(fuming) Well! Have you finished?

HELENA—No. No. I could say a great deal more but I'm not a talkative woman. (Analytikos comes in from the library) ANALYTIKOS—Your majesty, are we to read no longer today?

MENELAUS—No. The queen has been attempting to prove to me in a thousand words that she is a silent woman.

ANALYTIKOS—Women are seldom silent. (Helena resents this) Their beauty is forever speaking for them. (Tsumu enters)

TSUMU—The almond water awaits your majesty.

HELENA—(to Tsumu) I think after all I'll wear my Sicily blue. (She and Tsumu go into the queen's apartment)

ANALYTIKOS-I am sorry the poets no longer divert you.

MENELAUS—A little poetry is always too much.

ANALYTIKOS—Tomorrow we will try the historians.

MENELAUS—No! Not the historians. I want the truth for a change.

Where in books can I find escape from the grim reality of being hitched for life to such a wife.—Ah, my dear Analytikos, there are only two sorts of women: Those who are failures and those who realize it.

ANALYTIKOS—Is not Penelope, the perfect wife of your cousin Ulysses, an exception?

MENELAUS—She's as commonplace as she is ugly. Duty is ever the refuge of the unbeautiful. {And then with deep bitterness) Why didn't he marry Helen when we were all wanting to marry her? He is the only man I've ever known who seems able to direct destiny.

ANALYTIKOS—You should not blame the Gods for a lack of will.

MENELAUS—{shouting) Will! Heaven knows I do not lack the will to rid myself of this painted puppet but where is the instrument ready to my hand? {At this moment a shepherd of Apollonian beauty bounds into the room)

ANALYTIKOS—Who are you?

PARIS—An adventurer.

MENELAUS—Where do you come from?

PARIS—From the hills. I had come into the market place to sell my sheep. I had my hood filled with apples. They were golden red like a thousand sunsets.

MENELAUS—You might skip these bucolic details.

PARIS—At the fair I met three ancient gypsies.

MENELAUS—What have they to do with you coming here?

PARIS—You don't seem very patient. Can't I tell my story in my own way? They asked me for the apple I was eating and I asked them what they'd give for it.

MENELAUS—I'm not interested in market quotations.

PARIS—You take everything so literally. I'm sure you're easily bored.

MENELAUS—(with meaning) I am.

PARIS—(going on cheerfully) The first was to give me all the money she could beg and the second was to tell me all the truth she could learn by listening, and the third promised me a pretty girl. So I chose— {He hesitates)

MENELAUS—Come to the point. Which did you choose?

PARIS—(smiling) You see I'd been in the hills a long while so I picked the girl. And this made the other cronies angry and when I tossed her the apple one of the others yelped at me: "You may as well seek the queen of Sparta: she is the fairest of women. "

ANALYTIKOS—The wrath of the king will show you no mercy.

PARIS—(nonchalantly) I'm not afraid of the king. He's fat and—a fool.

ANALYTIKOS—Shall I call the guards? (Menelaus stops him)

MENELAUS—(very significantly) So you would give your life for a glimpse of the queen?

PARIS—(swiftly) Yes! my immortal soul, and if the fables tell the truth, the sight will be worth the forfeit.

MENELAUS—(suddenly jumping up) It shall be as you wish!

PARIS—(buoyantly) Venus has smiled on me!

MENELAUS—In there beyond the library you will find a room with a bath. Wait there till I call you. (Paris exits into the library)

ANALYTIKOS—Shall I order the boiling oil?

MENELAUS—Oil?

ANALYTIKOS—Now that he is being cleaned for the sacrifice.

MENELAUS—His torture will be greater than being boiled alive. {With unbudgeable conviction) Helena must elope with him!

ANALYTIKOS—(falling into a seat) Ye Gods!

MENELAUS—I couldn't divorce the queen. That would set a bad example.

ANALYTIKOS—Yes, very.

MENELAUS—I couldn't desert her. That would be beneath my honor.

ANALYTIKOS—{deeply) Is there no other way?

MENELAUS—{pompously) The king can do no wrong and besides I hate the smell of blood.

ANALYTIKOS—I warn you, what the Gods have joined together—

MENELAUS—{in an outburst) Is for man to break asunder!

ANALYTIKOS—{deeply shocked) You talk like an atheist.

MENELAUS—I never allow religion to interfere with life. Go call the victim and see that he be left alone with the queen. {Menelaus exits and Analytikos goes over to the door of the library and summons Paris)

(Continued on page 108)

(Continued from page 59)

Paris—When do I see the queen?

ANALYTIKOS—At once! (Helena enters, clad in her Sicily blue. Analytikos goes into the library)

PARIS—I have the most strange sensation. Have I not seen you before? I feel something I can't explain—

HELENA—I'm a simple, direct woman and I expect you to say just what you think.

PARIS—Do you? Very well then— (He comes a step nearer to her) Fate is impelling me towards you.

HELENA—Yes. That's much better. So you're a fatalist. It's very Greek. I don't see what our dramatists would do without fatalism.

Paris—In my country there are no dramatists. We are too busy with reality.

Helena—You mustn't say such wicked things to me.

Paris—No? Perhaps, after all, your soul is not ready for the supremest heights.

Helena—Do ycu mean to say I'm not religious? Religion teaches the meaning of love.

Paris—Has it taught you to love your husband?

Helena—(starting up and immediately sitting down again) How dare you speak to me like that?

Paris—You see. I was right. (He goes towards the door)

Helena—(slopping him) Whatever made you think so?

Paris—You could never love a man like that.

Helena—A woman's first duty is to love her husband.

Paris—There is a higher right than duty.

Helena—(with conviction) Right is right.

Paris—You are as wise as you are beautiful.

Helena—Why you hardly know me.

Paris—I know you! I know you! I, better than all men.

Helena—You?

Paris—(rapturously) Human law has given you to Menelaus but divine law makes you mine.

Helena—(in amazement) What!

PARIS-I alone appreciate your beauty. I alone can reach your soul.

Helena—Ah!

Paris—You hate your husband!

Helena—(drawing back) Why do you look at me like that?

Paris—To see if there's one woman in the world who dares tell the truth.

Helena—He doesn't understand me.

Paris—(with conviction) I knew you detested him.

Helena—He never listens to my aspirations.

Paris—Egoist.

Helena—(assuming an irresistible pose) I'm tired of being lovely. He doesn't realize the meaning of spiritual intercourse, of soul communion.

Paris—Fool!

Helena—You dare call Moo Moo a fool?

Paris—Has he not been too blind to see that your soul outshines your beauty?. (Then very dramatically) Your stifling!

Helena—(clearing her throat) I—I—

Paris—He has made you sit upon your wings. (Helena shifts her position) You are groping in the darkness.

Helena—Don't be silly. It's very light in here.

Paris—(undisturbed) You are stumbling and I have come to lead you. (He steps towards her)

Helena—Stop right there! (Paris slops) No man but the king can come within ten feet of me. It's a court tradition.

Paris—Necessity knows no traditions. (He falls on his knees before her) I shall come close to you, tho the flame of your beauty consume me.

Helena—You better be careful what you say to me. Remember I'm the queen.

Paris—No man weighs his words who has but a moment to live.

Helena—You said that exactly like an actor, (lie leans very close to her) What are you doing now?

Paris—I am looking into you. You are the clear glass in which I read the secret of the universe.

Helena—The secret of the universe? Perhaps you could understand me.

Paris—First you must understand yourself.

Helena—(instinctively taking up a mirror) How?

Paris—You must break with all this prose. (With an unconscious gesture he sweeps a tray of toilet articles from the table. Helena emits a little shriek)

Helena—The ointment!

Paris—(rushing to the window and pointing to the distance) And climb the infinite poesy.

Helena—(catching his enthusiasm, says very blandly) There is nothing in the world like poetry.

Paris—(lyrically) Have you ever heard the poignant breathing of the stars?

Helena—No. I don't believe in astrology.

Paris—Have you ever smelt the powdery mists of the sun?

Helena—Why no. I should sneeze myself to death.

Paris—Have you ever listened to the sapphire soul of the sea?

Helena—I didn't know the sea had a soul, but please don't stop talking. You do it so beautifully.

Paris—Deeds are sweeter than words. Shall we go hand in hand to meet eternity?

Helena—(not comprehending him) That's very pretty. Say it again.

Paris—(passionately) There's but a moment of life left me. I shall stifle it in ecstasy. Helena, Helena I adore you!

Helena—(jumping up in high surprise) You're not making love to me?

Paris—Helena!

Helena—You've spoken to me so little and already you dare to do that.

Paris—I am a lover of life. I skip the inessentials.

HELENA—Remember who I am.

PARIS—I have not forgotten, daughter of Heaven. (Suddenly he leaps to his feel) Listen!

HELENA—Sshh! That's the king and Analytikos in the library.

PARIS—No! No! Don't you hear the flutter of wings?

HELENA—Wings?

PARIS—(ecstatically) Venus, mother of Love!

HELENA—What is it?

PARIS—She has sent her messenger. I hear the patter of little feet.

HELENA—Those little feet are the soldiers below in the courtyard.

PARIS—(the truth of the situation breaking through his emotion) In a moment I shall be killed.

HELENA—Killed?

PARIS—Save me and save yourself!

HELENA—Myself?

PARIS—I shall rescue you and lead you on to life.

HELENA—No one has ever spoken to me like this before.

PARIS—This is the first time your ears have heard the truth.

HELENA—Was it of you I've been dreaming?

PARIS—Your dream was your unrealized desire.

HELENA—Menelaus has never made me feel like this; never in all the years I've been his wife. (And then with a sudden shriek) Oh! I'm a wicked woman!

PARIS—No. No.

HELENA—I've never loved him. For years I've been living with a man I didn't love.

(Continued on page 110)

(Continued from page 108)

Paris—Yes! Yes!

Helena—I'm lost!

Paris—No! Yes! Yes! No!

Helena—It was a profanation of the most holy.

Paris—The holiest awaits you, Helena! Our love will lighten the Plutonian realms.

Helena—Menelaus never spoke to me like that. Not in all the years that we've been married.

Paris—'Tis but the first whisper of my adoration.

HELENA-I can't face him every morning at breakfast for the rest of my life. That's even more than a queen can bear.

PARIS-I am awaiting to release you.

Helena—I've stood it for seven years.

Paris—I've been coming to you since the beginning of time.

Helena—There is something urging me to go with you, something I do not understand.

Paris—Quick! There is but a moment left us. (He takes her rapturously in his arms. There is a passionate embrace in the midst of which Tsumu enters)

Tsumu—The chiropodist has come.

Helena—Bring me my outer garment and my purse. (Tsumu exits her eyes wide on Paris)

Paris—Helena! Helena! (Helena looks about her and takes up the papyrus that Menelaus has flung to the floor)

Helena—A last word to the king. (She looks at the papyrus) No, this won't do; I shall have to take this with me.

Paris—What is it?

Helena—Maskanda's discourse on the hip.

Paris—(excitedly) Leave it—or your hip may cost me my head. We haven't a minute to spare. Hurry! Hurry! (Helena takes up an eyebrow pencil and writes on the back of the papyrus. She looks for a place to put it, and seeing the shield she smears it with some of the ointment and sticks the papyrus to it)

Paris—(watching her in ecstasy) You are the fairest of all fair women and your name will blaze as a symbol throughout eternity. (Tsumu enters with the purse and the toga)

Helena—(tossing the purse to Paris) Here, we may need this.

Paris—(throwing it back to Tsumu) This for your silence, daughter of darkness. A prince has no need of purses.

Tsumu—(looking at him) A prince!

Helena—(gloriously) My prince of poetry. My deliverer!

Paris—(divinely) My queen of love! (They go out, Tsumu looking after them in speechless amazement. Suddenly she sees the papyrus on the shield, runs over and reads it and then rushes to the door of the library)

Tsumu—(calling) Analytikos. (She hides the purse in her bosom. Analytikos enters scroll in hand)

Analytikos—Has the queen summoned me?

Tsumu—(mysteriously) A terrible thing has happened.

Analytikos—What's the matter?

Tsumu—Where's the king?

Analytikos—In the library.

Tsumu—I have news more precious than the gold of Midas.

Analytikos—(throwing her a purse) Well! What is it?

Tsumu—(speaking very dramatically and watching the effect of her words) The queen has deserted Menelaus.

ANALYTIKOS(receiving the shock philosophically) Swift are the ways of Nature. The Gods have smiled upon him.

Tsumu—The Gods have forsaken the king to smile upon a prince.

Analytikos—What?

Tsumu—He was a prince.

Analytikos—(apprehensively) Why do you say that?

Tsumu—(clutching her bosom) I have good reason to know. (There is a sound of voices below in the courtyard. Menelaus rushes in expectantly. Tsumu falls prostrate before him) Oh, king, in thine bottomless agony blame not a blameless negress. The queen has fled.

Menelaus—(in his delight forgetting himself and flinging her a purse) Is it true?

Tsumu—Woe! Woe is me!

Menelaus—(storming) Out of my sight, you eyeless Argus!

Analytikos—(to Tsumu) Quick, send a messenger. Find out who he was. (Tsumu sticks the third purse in her bosom and crawls out backwards)

Menelaus—(with radiant happiness) Ye Gods, I thank thee. Peace and a happy life at last. (The shouts in the courtyard grow lotider)

Analytikos—The news has spread through the palace.

Menelaus—(in trepidation) No one would dare stop the progress of the queen.

Tsumu—(rushes in and prostrates herself before the king) Woe is me! They have gone by the road to the harbor.

Menelaus—(anxiously) Yes! Yes!

Tsumu—By the king's orders no man has dared gaze upon her majesty. They all fell prostrate before her.

Menelaus—Good! Good! (Attempting to cover his delight) Go! Go! You, garrulous dog. (Tsumu crawls to the door. Then she gels up and points to the shield. Analytikos and the king look towards it. Analytikos tears off the papyrus, and brings it to Menelaus)

Menelaus—(reading) "I am not a bad woman. I did what I had to do." How Greek to blame fate for what one wants to do. (Tsumu again comes tumbling in)

Tsumu—(again prostrate before the king) A rumor flies through the city. He—He—

Analytikos—(anxiously) Well? Well?

Tsumu—He—He—

Menelaus—(furiously to Analytikos) Rid me of this croaking raven.

Tsumu—Evil has fallen on Sparta. He—

ANA lytikos—Y es—Y es—

Menelaus—(in a rage) Out of my sight you perfidious Nubian! (Sounds of confusion in the courtyard. Suddenly she springs to her feet and yells at the top of her voice)

Tsumu—He was Paris, Prince of Troy! (They all start back. Analytikos stumbles into a seat. Menelaus turns pale. Tsumu leers like a black Nemesis)

Analytikos—(very ominously) Who can read the secret of the fates?

Menelaus—(frightened) What do you mean?

Analytikos—He is the son of Priam, King of Troy.

Tsumu—(adding fuel) And of Hecuba, Queen of the Trojans. (She rushes out to spread the news)

Analytikos—That makes the matter international.

Menelaus—But we have treaties with Troy.

Analytikos—Circumstances alter treaties. They will mean nothing.

Menelaus—Nothing?

Analytikos—No more than a scrap of papyrus. Sparta will fight to regain her queen.

Menelaus—But I don't want her back.

Analytikos—Can you tell that to Sparta? Remember the king can do no wrong. Last night I dreamed of war.

(Continued on page 112)

(Continued from page 110)

MENELAUS—No! No! Don't say that. After the scandal I can't be expected to fight to get her back!

ANALYTIKOS—Sparta will see with the eyes of chivalry.

MENELAUS—(fuming) But I don't believe in war.

ANALYTIKOS—(still obdurate) Have you forgotten the oath pledged of old, with Ulysses of Ithaca and Agamemnon, King of Mycenae. They have sworn if ever the time came to fight and defend the queen.

MENELAUS—(bitterly) I didn't think of the triple alliance.

ANALYTIKOS—Can Sparta ask less of her king?

MENELAUS—Let's hear the other side. We can perhaps arbitrate. Peace at any price.

ANALYTIKOS—Some bargains are too cheap.

MENELAUS—(as a last desperate hope) But I am a pacifist.

ANALYTIKOS—You are Menelaus of Sparta, and Sparta's a nation of soldiers. Here, put on your shield. (A great clamor comes up from the courtyard. Analytikos steps out on the balcony and is greeted with shouts of "The King! The King!") (Addressing the crowd) People of Sparta, this calamity has been forced upon us. We did not seek it. (Menelaus winces) We didn't start this war. We arc a peaceful innocent people, but even in times of peace we have prepared for war. Thanks to our unparalleled efficiency the military system of Sparta is the most powerful in all Greece and we can mobilize in half an hour. (Loud acclaims from the people. Menelaus, the papyrus still in hand, crawls over and attempts to stop Analytikos)

ANALYTIKOS—(not noticing him) From a clear sky the thunderbolt has fallen. In the midst of connubial and communal peace the terrible news has reached the king. (Menelaus lugs at Analytikos' toga) Broken in spirit as he is, he is already pawing the ground like a battle steed impatient to avenge the wrong that has been done to our guiltless nation. Never will we lay down our arms!—(Cheers) Never until the queen is restored to Menelaus. (Menelaus squirms) Be it a week, a month, a year, yea ten years, in the end we will be victorious, we and Jupiter, for the Gods will fight on our side. (A loud cheer) Even now the king is buckling on his shield. (More cheers) (Analytikos steps further forward and then with bursting eloquence) One hate we have and one alone! (Yells from below) Hate by water and hate by land,

Hate of the head and hate of the hand,

Hate of Paris and hate of Troy

That has broken the queen for a moment's toy.

(The yells grow fiercer)

Jove's thunder will shatter the Trojan throne.

We have one hate and one alone!

(Menelaus sits on the floor dejectedly looking at the papyrus. A thunder of voices from the people) "We have one hate and one alone. Troy! Troy! (Helmets and swords are thrown into the air. The cheers grow tumultuous and the curtain falls.